I’ve been there


I’ve been there:

I’ve spent so much time alone I can’t handle myself. After being cooped up I take long walks in the crisp night air, trying to get away. My emotions want to claw their way out from inside of me. They bounce around my entire being and I don’t know how to feel. I want to run, far away from here as I howl at the moon and the stars. I need a release. I’ve felt like my soul does not belong in my body, it doesn’t quite fit right and it wants to get out. Like Peter Pan and his shadow, except that life is never that easy. I cry, sobbing interrupted by the ugly wails that I can’t keep inside. I’ve spent weekends crying, not knowing why I was unable to stop. I’ve wanted to quit, to give up.

People ask me how I feel and I tell them I’m “okay” or “good” so that they won’t ask for an explanation. If they even would. Where is the divide between the people that you can tell your true emotions to, and the ones that you should say you are okay, even if you’re not?

Anxiety. Despair. Loneliness. Aging. Fear. Depression. Anger. Hopelessness. Damaged. Alone. Suicidal.

People that don’t suffer from depression have no idea what it’s like. I’ve come across some that think it is an emotion you can control, and that you “mustn’t encourage negative thoughts.” What they don’t know is that depression works the other way round, and can control you. While some cultures do not talk about emotions like depression and suicide, this hides the important fact that these feelings can be hereditary. Families in these cultures do not tell their family members if another person has suffered from mental health issues. Many people live in denial, thinking that they cannot acknowledge how they feel. Well I’ll tell you how I feel, for those of you that don’t know what it’s like.

Not being able to move. Having a hard time falling asleep but an even harder time getting out of bed. Being exhausted even after sleeping. Not being able to eat. Finding it hard to believe I’m attractive, when I once knew I was beautiful. Not feeling pretty, or amazing. I’ve been alone so long I’ve become unable to respond to compliments, except to give a half-hysterical laugh, and reply, “No, you are”.


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