I wanted to say hello

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I’ve wanted to add more of my personal voice for a while now, probably for as long as I’ve been blogging. I admire people who aren’t afraid to address their readers, and add an occasional rant. My poetry is a form of my diary most of the time, that I have splayed for people (often strangers) to read, yet I’ve been posting my writing without introductions, in a rather cold approach.

Time for a more personal introduction.. Currently I’m in college majoring in sculpture. When I first went to school I had thought that I would major in painting, then took a welding class and fell in love. I learned how to weld and blacksmith, and ended up being a TA for that class the next semester. My final project for the class was a five by three foot wide spider, which I welded the body of and blacksmithed the legs and fangs (see creature). My dad is an artist and a sculptor, so naturally I am too. Along with being a sculptor I paint, do collage, write short stories and poetry (shown previously to this post).

When I was younger I used to love writing fantasy stories, and filled notebooks with unfinished ones. In college I found out the perfect kind of story writing for me is micro fiction. Or, what I’ve been doing for at least ten years, poetry. My poems are either about love or heartbreak, with some others scattered in. My best muse is to be in love, or in the raw after effects of a break up. Some of my best poems are written when I’m hurting after a relationship has ended, and I find writing to be really therapeutic. And occasionally more helpful than my therapist. But that’s a whole other story…

While at college, I’ve been learning what it’s like to live alone and be independent. Originally I had moved into a studio apartment with my boyfriend, but that didn’t last long, or end well. Which made for some of the poems I’ve posted. It’s hard to be alone in a place I got with a guy, when I thought I was guaranteed to come home to someone I love. After some adjusting and a lot of hard work to make it mine, I have come to really adore my little apartment. My experiences away from home have been helping me grow, but I look forward to not be living alone again.

I guard my heart so closely it’s a miracle you got in,
To take my head and heart on an emotional spin.

From a poem I posted in the beginning of my blog … I love love. I love reading romance novels and listening to sappy music but I kick, scream, and protest when falling in love. I try and talk myself out of a person, giving reasons why I’m not attracted to, and shouldn’t date them. I have trust issues, and from the heartache I’ve felt in my life I try to protect myself from getting hurt again. But it happens. Love happens, and isn’t something that can be controlled. Along with trying to avoid getting my heart broken, I have experiences throughout my life stacked against trusting men. I’m bi, but while women are absolutely gorgeous I’d prefer to date a man. Except that I’m often scared of getting involved. It takes a special kind of man and a lot of trust when I am. There are reasons why I am so unsettled when a possible romance comes along, and am so messed up when a relationship ends.

Some of the puzzle pieces are here, in the posts that I have written. My short stories and poetry are a different form of my diary and a way for me to express myself. Along with past experiences living away from home has made me hesitant to get intimately involved with someone. I feel like I am alone and the main person who has my back is myself, which makes it hard for me to let new people into my home. I have also noticed that what I have been through makes it hard for me to trust men when they are possible suitors. A time a few years ago I got an eyebrow piercing and shaved the side of my head (see picture below), because I wanted to put off a “stay away” attitude. During one of the times I needed someone the most, I tried so hard not to let them in. I’m lucky I found and was found by my now ex when we did.

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I’m a strong believer that things happen and people are put into our paths for a reason. Not every experience is going to be a great one, but they shape the way a person is, and help the person to grow, and be a stronger version of themselves.

And that is a bit more about myself.

Foggy mind

It’s been a while since I posted something.. Here’s a poem I wrote for my poetry class. 

2/20/14 

Foggy mind:

My mind’s so tired
I can’t hear over the roaring in my head 
Too many thoughts compete for my attention
And I don’t know where to start
I heard you have to forget
In order to make room
There’s a backlog in my head

With retorts I should have said
Continued conversations to be had
I’m going to be late again
I don’t want to see this person
Can’t I just stay here?
I want to go home
What homework do I have?
I’m so tired I need a break
I’ve got to feed the birds
Should I check my email?
I do not want to wait in the cold again
I can’t wait to do this art project
Why do I still miss him?

My dreams feel so realistic I’d rather stay there
Flying on fairy wings
Having freedom to go
A green eyed stranger beckons to me
People with colorful mohawks
Walking amongst large seahorses
And rubber duckies
A princess closet
Being at home

A man prowls firelit halls
I can always see his face
He smiles but I wake alone
It’s hard to separate the two some days
No amount of sleep can help me recharge
I feel sluggish either way.

Fault lines (amethyst geode)

This is the story of the amethyst geode, which lived in a corner for most of my life. Until it got dropped one day and cracked on its fault lines. Since then pieces have been given to people who are really close to my family and I. Image

3/6/14

Fault lines (amethyst geode):

You were always whole.
(Or rather, part of a whole)
I wonder who had the other half.
Was it discovered complete?
Or with fractured parts,
Never to have a twin.

Years passed by,
With the sunlight glittering on facets,
Making rainbows on the wall
A constant presence,
You sat in the corner defying gravity
Never budging,
Requiring at least four strong men
To move you,
Bending their backs under your weight.

A careless drop along fault lines
Broken under pressure
Scattering points across the sidewalk
Landing on either side of the doorway.
Left there for protection
Mother grieved at its loss.

It was a birth
Of daughters and sons,
Made mobile through a shedding of weight
To travel all over the world
In careful hands and bundled in suitcases
To share with only those who really matter.

Creature

Something I’ve always wanted to do is pair my poetry with other art. Sculptures, paintings, collage.. When I was younger I got the idea to make a book of paintings and poetry. In the poetry class I’m taking this semester I finally had the opportunity to do so.

I wrote a poem about a spider that I made out of steel and rebar. The feet are blacksmithed to be pointy, and I welded all the parts together. This was a final project I did for a class, and the spider is five feet by three feet wide.