“Run around just so I don’t have to think about thinking”
– Wake Up Alone by Amy Winehouse
I feel like I have something that I am keeping from even myself. When I’m home alone I keep myself busy with tv shows, texting, reading a book, cooking… Anything. Because I have something that even I don’t want to know or think about. It’s weird, having an inner part of me that I don’t know about yet knowing that it’s there. People repress trauma, but I know the traumatic events that have happened in my life. I’m aware of them. Yet I feel like I have something that I don’t want to think about. It’s one of the reasons I write. Keeping a blog is a big step for me because I’m known to hold my tongue and not speak up for myself. In the past I’ve told myself that I should write in a journal, but I didn’t want to come across the part of me that felt hidden there. I avoided getting into the details of a bigger issue that’s crouching inside of me. Writing helps with working through my emotions and getting my thoughts out of my head instead of being bottled inside of me.
I can be very calm and then there are times where I’m known to snap or say something that’s unexpected. I pretend I’m okay and focus on the good things, or don’t tell someone when something is nagging at me. I put their needs before mine, even if it bothers me. Then when I speak up they get defensive, or as I found out once I lose friends.
Which I don’t totally understand. I’m an extremely loyal person and I’m there for my friends but it’s also really easy for me to drop people. I’ve lost so many friends this past school year I don’t know many. I lose them, some good friends that I really cared about and valued their friendship. I don’t know what that says about me and I really don’t know what that says about them. I read a story where the narrator said that she was like a door. And that people passed through her to get to the other side, or another place. I wonder how people can drop me and move on when I’d do anything for my friends. Months later I still think about what happened to end my friendship with them.
When I was younger I learned that I could end a relationship and be up and running -happy- as soon as it ended. Maybe because they were on their way out for so long that it felt good to have a release. Or, because I hadn’t had my heart broken yet. I remember my first broken heart. He made me break up with him because he kept canceling on me and telling me he was hanging out with some other girl. Who I introduced him to, and who he was probably cheating on me with. When I decided to give him a last chance I was supposed to meet him somewhere and he didn’t even pick up. I left a message saying that it wasn’t working, and that I really wanted to stay friends. I haven’t seen him since, six years later. After I left him that voicemail it took me a year to get over him. I cried, and cried, and missed him. I had never experienced that much pain on my heart, that much of missing another person. Of course as I’ve gotten older I’ve experienced that again and it’s hurt just as much. If not more when lives are tangled together, with apartments and leases and internet. And mail that has to be forwarded. It’s easier to have a clean break when nothing else is involved. When you’re heart broken and have to walk by the person who broke your heart’s job every day is another story.
But that’s the beauty of the heart. It mends again. It expands for every person that is let in, and grows so much stronger from those experiences.
Today’s assignment- let’s loosen up and just write.