Gaping holes. Loss, Writing 101 day 4

Loss. I feel it in my life, thoughts tumbled together. Of innocence,friendships, relationships, family. To fights, break-ups, illnesses, death, misunderstandings, change.

It’s weird, being reduced to the sidelines. No longer your girlfriend or family, watching your life through photographs. Reminding myself that I’m a friend, and should give you space to enjoy your life. Space. I’ve used that word before, and remember not being left alone. Now I’m trying to be respectful and to know when to step aside. To patiently wait because I’m your friend and someone who cares about you.

How long must someone wait, giving another space? I was asked for it months ago and am still waiting… You act like you’re the one that was hurt while I was the one to go home looking forward to seeing you, to be greeted by open closet doors and a gaping hole where your clothes had been. A light left on and a note, with the words “it’s for the best”.  All these months later I’ve stopped hoping for answers, and found them within. I have learned to overcome the soundtrack that went through my mind of “I miss you, I miss you”, and that you did me a favor. I’m stronger, and a lot more independent now.

So many questions,  all starting with why. Why do I do the things that I do? Putting myself out there, going on dates with people I don’t care about. Flipping through profiles of people, and getting in conversations that I don’t enjoy.  Using my body and looks to be seductive. Lowering my standards and going against things I said I’d never do. Putting myself in danger when I know I shouldn’t. Kissing people I don’t like, yet not stopping.

Bringing virgins back to my quiet nest. Taking showers with people I don’t like, while it is something sacred to me, meant to be shared with someone I love. Happily attaching myself to someone, throwing myself into a fling with them when I want a warm body. Thinking of your lips, and your arms while in the arms of another.

Wanting old lovers, and getting excited when someone shows interest in me. Wanting someone who isn’t mine, either friend or lover. The person who I keep constant contact with belongs to another. Yet they understand me more than any other relationship, and surprise me by knowing when something is wrong, even from a distance. They say the right things and remind me that I deserve the best.

Wondering what it would be like if we got together. Like lightning, electricity, a tornado. Chemistry and pent up energy, a long time coming. It’s hard not to want the person who shows the most kindness and understanding when I feel alone.

I miss being able to talk to you. Hanging out with your mom, being at your house. The music we danced to, and the stars we stood under. The moments we shared. I want to talk to you, while I know you don’t want me to. Wishing I could be there for birthdays, graduations, surgeries. That I could be with your family. Could be in your life, your friend. Could be yours.

The thing is I don’t know. What is best for me, what I want. If that person is always there or has yet to come along. If it would work to get together again. What is going on. I can remind myself how much you hurt me, how badly you treated me. Our fights, my tears, your anger. I can also tell myself that you changed.

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Today’s assignment– Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more.

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