I can’t. I’m not good enough. They won’t like me, they’ll think I’m weird. I have to act differently, more grown up. I can’t be my full self or they will think I’m weird.
When it comes to self doubt, self care, and what I deserve it all ties together in a ball of anxiety and fear. Thoughts tumble more than one specific fear or anxiety. The way I see and treat myself affects how I feel and interact with others. I’ve had times where I’m surprised people want to be my friend, or think I’m cool. I went on a date with an accountant who was older than anyone I’ve ever dated before and I felt like I had to act proper and be on my best behavior. I thought he would be uninterested if I was how I really am, and our age difference would be obvious. He wears suit jackets, button ups and has perfect posture, which contrasts with my nose ring, other piercings and tattoos. I had never seen someone carry themselves so well or have perfect posture like he did.
On one of our dates I told him about my family and living in NYC. He laughed at my stories of me and my family getting tattoos and piercings, and being in the city. I found out he’s from a very religious family, doesn’t have anything marking his body. And his family doesn’t communicate. We were complete opposites. That day I felt a sense of dread/doom/something knowing that we would not work. I come from a family who does not keep secrets from each other, and we’re very New York. I was not upset when he broke it off with me a few days later. It saved me from having to do it.
I realized that he wouldn’t work for me. There isn’t a point in building a relationship with someone when you feel like you can’t be yourself and aren’t totally comfortable. They’ll start liking that person then you have to keep that act up or they’re confused when you start being yourself. Also, as a friend told me he learned to go into a date thinking if he would like them, if they would be good for him instead of worrying if they like him. While this guy was older and proper he didn’t stir my blood or make me happy. I wasn’t thrilled when I went on dates with him though I did enjoy his company. As a possible friend…? Cept that wasn’t possible. I had gone on dates with him even though I wasn’t thrilled or excited to go. He along with a friend of mine helped me realize that if I’m not excited for a date, I shouldn’t go. That my time is precious and should be spent with people who I care about.
There are times I doubt myself and feel like I’m not good enough. I can know in the back of my mind that I’m great and better than I think I am but seeing and knowing are different. I can take a deep breath and carry myself well, acting as confident as I feel but some days I wonder how I can put on this act.
About a year ago Dove hired a forensic artist to sketch seven women. He did a sketch of how they described themselves, and one of how a stranger described them. The women then see the pair of drawings and how others see them. This made me reflect on how I think and am too judgmental of myself. People I love and who care about me are surprised when I voice my insecurities and doubts. I’ve been told that people think I’m sweet, funny, beautiful, intelligent.. and people will see it, want to be my friend or take me on dates. Etc. I’m in the process of shifting my self image and learning how to see what they see. Because I know -like this Dove experiment- that they’re not the same.
Today’s assignment– We all have anxieties, worries, and fears. What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears.