Can’t go there

I try to keep my distance
(to keep you at arm’s length)
but the line is blurry
because we flirt and back off
and I can’t go there again.

You still bite your lip the way
I do
I itch to feel mine on yours
But I can’t go there.
Your hands are the same to hold
I hold mine together (to not touch)

I don’t know how to react.
because you blindside me with your emotions
and seduce me with your words
roping me into your spiderweb
to play with me like a yo-yo
pulling me in and pushing me back again.

We broke up for a reason.
What’s the reason we keep
coming back?
My heart is beating
and I can’t breathe normally.
Or spell.

But you know me
And understand me
More than anyone has
You aren’t what I want
But I miss what we had
And you still want me.

I cant.
Wont.
Go there.
But you know me.
But I don’t know you.
Because you’re different
But the same.
But. I can’t. go. there.

© Copyright-All rights reserved-Hannah Farmery

I’ve been changing

I’m tired of being silent when a storm rages inside. I’ve been trying to calmly think of future blog posts with peaceful poems and words of advice while I’ve been feeling the opposite. I’m sick of bottling things up, and being quiet. Normally if something (someone) is bothering me I back up, thinking that I will calm down and not respond until I’m in a better state. But… days, weeks, months go by and whatever happened is still on my mind. I feel choked, and wish that I had said what I was thinking, instead of the words repeating themselves in my head. I’ve been telling myself you never know what is going to happen if you don’t speak your mind. People are either going to agree and wish I had spoken sooner, or they’re going to disagree and not want to be my friend. If it’s the latter then they weren’t a good friend to begin with, and I could have found that out sooner to save myself and them some trouble.

The universe has been showing me that people like and admire me. That I have something to say and no one can speak my truth for me. Being shy works in my favor because people have a space in their hearts for pretty quiet girls who blush. Trust me, I know. I’m used to hiding. I don’t know many people and I used to be painfully shy. But I’ve been growing so rapidly that the way I’ve always been is becoming uncomfortable. I’m putting myself out there and getting good results which makes it hard to continue to sit back and let my closed throat take over. When emotions are bottled up for too long.. that soda bottle can get shaken and come out in ugly ways.

Loved ones have told me that I know myself and should not be afraid to speak up. That I shouldn’t doubt myself. While outside people are kindly reminding me of this I am working to change my way of thinking and allow myself to speak freely. At first I was forced to grow to adapt to circumstances. I am now working through past traumas and saying things that I haven’t before. Tears well up as I begin to address my past and work towards what I deserve. To speak, and be heard. To be happy. A large number of people have been liking my more personal posts, and telling me that they have been through similar experiences. I’m touched and saddened to know that I am not alone. Which shows me that I should keep writing.

It’s upsetting to know that old friendships and relationships no longer work. I feel a sense of dread when I realize that I have outgrown someone and what used to be is not the same. To acknowledge that people change and things that worked in the past no longer function the way they used to. At the speed I’ve been growing I have been learning when to let go. I have been changing because I’m willing to, and am being equipped with the skills to do so. It’s disappointing to see how people I’ve grown up with have become different from who I thought they were. I’m learning that keeping a friendship because they’re your childhood friend, or staying in a relationship with someone you love when these are your only reasons are not good enough. While I was at a loss in the past I think I have lost friendships because the kind of people I had relationships with before are not going to be the kinds I have moving forward. That you have to set free the past to make way for a better future.

Kind words and grattitude

very-inspiring-blogger-award

Ever since the Writing 101 challenge I have grown to truly love the blogging community. Our community. When I started blogging before that I felt alone and unsure of how to get connected. The blogging challenges are a great way to get advice, and find a wide range of sweet, kind, caring, brilliant writers.

When I got nominated by Ronovan of Ronovan Writes, it felt out of the blue. We hadn’t had much contact before then, though I’ve been reading his posts closely. The night before I saw that he was liking my posts, and then a very sweet comment came that he had nominated me for an award. I didn’t know there was a Very Inspiring Blogger Award before I got this… I think it’s a great idea. To give a shout-out to people that inspire you, and for them to then nominate other people.. Like Pay It Forward.

Ronovan’s kind words:

On my blog:
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and.. then I was nominated!

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I’m grateful to be given this from someone who I admire, and that I’ve been thinking the same thing about. Ronovan writes in a way that I cannot, while I feel like I occasionally lack the words or don’t say in the right way what I’m trying to. I admire how he delivers his content.

Yesterday, I was stumbling through my feed and saw that the lovely Roser had also nominated me! And, my post had gotten to her when she was having a bad day:

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Roser of Believe Love Share and I have been back and forth on each other’s posts since the 101 challenge. We seem to think in similar ways, and it’s nice to know I have people who think like me. I’m moved to have delivered good news to her when she was in need of cheering up, and love how she describes my writing. Also that I’ve inspired her to write poetry, something she felt she could not do in the past.

These are two bright people who I admire. I feel like I don’t have the touch that either of them have, while they feel similarly about me. I’m grateful for both of you. Thanks again, so much.

Best,
Hannah

More content coming…

A date of mine last night (more details to come on that) said that he felt like he had learned so much but was only just beginning to scratch the surface of what I’m really like. I giggled, I confused him, I was touched by the amount of stuff he guessed about me.. But that stuck in my head. I have so many angles I’m not sure how it’s contained in one person sometimes. As I told him, there are only a select few who know what I’m really like (my friends and family, and -a bit less but- my followers) and I feel like even they don’t know everything.

I’ve been newly digging deeper in exploring what I’m really like, and expanding and growing in lots of different ways. At first I was worried that my blog is all over the place and my readers wouldn’t want to read some of it, but that’s how I am. I write, I sculpt, weld, make paper, want to play an instrument, am mysterious, shy(ish), quiet, observant…too many things to list.

Ronovan inspired me by posting a picture of his photography and saying that he’s no photographer:

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(I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing this)

and I replied who’s to say that you aren’t? Him and the guy from last night inspired me to add more content to my blog, which I will be beginning the process of soon. I’ve been meaning to add more of my visual art and photography for a while, because like a lot of things, I’ve been quietly a photographer for years, I just haven’t shared it yet.

More to come very soon,
Hannah