I’ve been changing

I’m tired of being silent when a storm rages inside. I’ve been trying to calmly think of future blog posts with peaceful poems and words of advice while I’ve been feeling the opposite. I’m sick of bottling things up, and being quiet. Normally if something (someone) is bothering me I back up, thinking that I will calm down and not respond until I’m in a better state. But… days, weeks, months go by and whatever happened is still on my mind. I feel choked, and wish that I had said what I was thinking, instead of the words repeating themselves in my head. I’ve been telling myself you never know what is going to happen if you don’t speak your mind. People are either going to agree and wish I had spoken sooner, or they’re going to disagree and not want to be my friend. If it’s the latter then they weren’t a good friend to begin with, and I could have found that out sooner to save myself and them some trouble.

The universe has been showing me that people like and admire me. That I have something to say and no one can speak my truth for me. Being shy works in my favor because people have a space in their hearts for pretty quiet girls who blush. Trust me, I know. I’m used to hiding. I don’t know many people and I used to be painfully shy. But I’ve been growing so rapidly that the way I’ve always been is becoming uncomfortable. I’m putting myself out there and getting good results which makes it hard to continue to sit back and let my closed throat take over. When emotions are bottled up for too long.. that soda bottle can get shaken and come out in ugly ways.

Loved ones have told me that I know myself and should not be afraid to speak up. That I shouldn’t doubt myself. While outside people are kindly reminding me of this I am working to change my way of thinking and allow myself to speak freely. At first I was forced to grow to adapt to circumstances. I am now working through past traumas and saying things that I haven’t before. Tears well up as I begin to address my past and work towards what I deserve. To speak, and be heard. To be happy. A large number of people have been liking my more personal posts, and telling me that they have been through similar experiences. I’m touched and saddened to know that I am not alone. Which shows me that I should keep writing.

It’s upsetting to know that old friendships and relationships no longer work. I feel a sense of dread when I realize that I have outgrown someone and what used to be is not the same. To acknowledge that people change and things that worked in the past no longer function the way they used to. At the speed I’ve been growing I have been learning when to let go. I have been changing because I’m willing to, and am being equipped with the skills to do so. It’s disappointing to see how people I’ve grown up with have become different from who I thought they were. I’m learning that keeping a friendship because they’re your childhood friend, or staying in a relationship with someone you love when these are your only reasons are not good enough. While I was at a loss in the past I think I have lost friendships because the kind of people I had relationships with before are not going to be the kinds I have moving forward. That you have to set free the past to make way for a better future.

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2 thoughts on “I’ve been changing

  1. I know that pain of not being able to speak when you want to . It’s not an imaginary one either, is it? People think it’s a metaphor, just a . . .some descriptive way of saying what we emotionally feel. It’s not. You want to speak but the back of your throat starts to close up and tightens. It’s almost like it begins to swell shut and it physically hurts.

    There is an obviousness about who and what you are through your writing. And it’s not the woman you’ve described as being this shy quiet person, but then again, I tend to be shy as well. You are definitely on the verge of exploding out of this suffocating bubble that you’ve been encapsulated in.

    And you’re right about those friends that have floundered and fallen by the wayside. If they’ve fallen and failed to reach out and stay with you then they aren’t the ones to be with you where you are on the way to.

    It is going to be very exciting seeing you break out and be what you already are. I wrote a poem years ago, I didn’t know I wrote poem back then, back in the 9th grade, I was 15. It was about me being a clown with the fake face painted on and wanting to wash the paint away. I wanted to be the real me, but I felt like I had to be something else, just like a circus clown does when they perform.

    I love learning about you, but I will be honest . . . I love your storytelling the most.

    Much Respect
    Ronovan

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  2. Thank you XD There will be more storytelling and poetry in the future. But as you said I am working to burst out of this bubble (good description) and writing about my journey. Blogging and therapy as a pair has been helping me become stronger and in figuring out myself. I used to be a lot more shy and am working to overcome the remaining bit. The sense you have about me being different from the shy quiet women I describe is totally right. But.. people who don’t read my blog aren’t aware of this since they don’t have an in on my head. I know I have things to say and am stronger than I think I am. I’m tired of being known as shy while I feel something that most people do not see. I love your clown metaphor, it makes so much sense and puts words to how I feel. It’s easy hiding behind something I’ve always been… except that it’s not comfortable being like that anymore.

    It really is a physical thing. I feel my throat closing and not allowing me to speak, even if I know the words. I clamp down and can’t get the words out. I’m working towards learning how to get through this and get my truth out there.

    I agree with you about if friends don’t reach out or can’t keep up those aren’t the friends for me. But sometimes it’s no one’s fault. As I’ve been trying to tell myself people change and outgrow each other, or are outgrown. There isn’t always blame for when people cannot keep up with each other, it’s just a sad fact that it happens.

    Thanks for reading and the comment, it made me really excited.

    Best,
    Hannah

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