a confession

I said it. I love you.
An exhale of breath
I’ve been holding after a long inhale.
I can feel my ribs settling in place again,
now that you know.

I love you. I love you so much.

We stood in the dark,
A light shining overhead
Illuminating you.
I had cut you off
You were speaking passionately
about something
And I couldn’t hold it any longer
That release after a long breath

I had taken you by surprise,
You didn’t know I felt that way
It felt natural,
It felt right,
Like I had said it before
Which I had,
Years ago

When we were lovers
And together.
The years have gone by
And we’ve changed,
Matured.
We used to fight all the time
And I’d be ready for it.

The dust has settled now
I feel a sense of calm when
I talk to you.
It’s only right that I’ve held on,
I’ve kept wanting you.

My eyelids flutter open,
I’m puzzled by the clarity
Of my dream
So sure of my thoughts
And desires,
The love for someone
I talk to every day
Since when I’m awake
I don’t know if I want you
Because you’re there
and I need someone to love
Or if I’ve never stopped loving you.

© Copyright-All rights reserved-Hannah Farmery

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Can’t go there

I try to keep my distance
(to keep you at arm’s length)
but the line is blurry
because we flirt and back off
and I can’t go there again.

You still bite your lip the way
I do
I itch to feel mine on yours
But I can’t go there.
Your hands are the same to hold
I hold mine together (to not touch)

I don’t know how to react.
because you blindside me with your emotions
and seduce me with your words
roping me into your spiderweb
to play with me like a yo-yo
pulling me in and pushing me back again.

We broke up for a reason.
What’s the reason we keep
coming back?
My heart is beating
and I can’t breathe normally.
Or spell.

But you know me
And understand me
More than anyone has
You aren’t what I want
But I miss what we had
And you still want me.

I cant.
Wont.
Go there.
But you know me.
But I don’t know you.
Because you’re different
But the same.
But. I can’t. go. there.

© Copyright-All rights reserved-Hannah Farmery

I’ve been changing

I’m tired of being silent when a storm rages inside. I’ve been trying to calmly think of future blog posts with peaceful poems and words of advice while I’ve been feeling the opposite. I’m sick of bottling things up, and being quiet. Normally if something (someone) is bothering me I back up, thinking that I will calm down and not respond until I’m in a better state. But… days, weeks, months go by and whatever happened is still on my mind. I feel choked, and wish that I had said what I was thinking, instead of the words repeating themselves in my head. I’ve been telling myself you never know what is going to happen if you don’t speak your mind. People are either going to agree and wish I had spoken sooner, or they’re going to disagree and not want to be my friend. If it’s the latter then they weren’t a good friend to begin with, and I could have found that out sooner to save myself and them some trouble.

The universe has been showing me that people like and admire me. That I have something to say and no one can speak my truth for me. Being shy works in my favor because people have a space in their hearts for pretty quiet girls who blush. Trust me, I know. I’m used to hiding. I don’t know many people and I used to be painfully shy. But I’ve been growing so rapidly that the way I’ve always been is becoming uncomfortable. I’m putting myself out there and getting good results which makes it hard to continue to sit back and let my closed throat take over. When emotions are bottled up for too long.. that soda bottle can get shaken and come out in ugly ways.

Loved ones have told me that I know myself and should not be afraid to speak up. That I shouldn’t doubt myself. While outside people are kindly reminding me of this I am working to change my way of thinking and allow myself to speak freely. At first I was forced to grow to adapt to circumstances. I am now working through past traumas and saying things that I haven’t before. Tears well up as I begin to address my past and work towards what I deserve. To speak, and be heard. To be happy. A large number of people have been liking my more personal posts, and telling me that they have been through similar experiences. I’m touched and saddened to know that I am not alone. Which shows me that I should keep writing.

It’s upsetting to know that old friendships and relationships no longer work. I feel a sense of dread when I realize that I have outgrown someone and what used to be is not the same. To acknowledge that people change and things that worked in the past no longer function the way they used to. At the speed I’ve been growing I have been learning when to let go. I have been changing because I’m willing to, and am being equipped with the skills to do so. It’s disappointing to see how people I’ve grown up with have become different from who I thought they were. I’m learning that keeping a friendship because they’re your childhood friend, or staying in a relationship with someone you love when these are your only reasons are not good enough. While I was at a loss in the past I think I have lost friendships because the kind of people I had relationships with before are not going to be the kinds I have moving forward. That you have to set free the past to make way for a better future.

More content coming…

A date of mine last night (more details to come on that) said that he felt like he had learned so much but was only just beginning to scratch the surface of what I’m really like. I giggled, I confused him, I was touched by the amount of stuff he guessed about me.. But that stuck in my head. I have so many angles I’m not sure how it’s contained in one person sometimes. As I told him, there are only a select few who know what I’m really like (my friends and family, and -a bit less but- my followers) and I feel like even they don’t know everything.

I’ve been newly digging deeper in exploring what I’m really like, and expanding and growing in lots of different ways. At first I was worried that my blog is all over the place and my readers wouldn’t want to read some of it, but that’s how I am. I write, I sculpt, weld, make paper, want to play an instrument, am mysterious, shy(ish), quiet, observant…too many things to list.

More to come very soon,
Hannah

Not good enough. Writing 101, Day 17

I can’t. I’m not good enough. They won’t like me, they’ll think I’m weird. I have to act differently, more grown up. I can’t be my full self or they will think I’m weird.

When it comes to self doubt, self care, and what I deserve it all ties together in a ball of anxiety and fear. Thoughts tumble more than one specific fear or anxiety. The way I see and treat myself affects how I feel and interact with others. I’ve had times where I’m surprised people want to be my friend, or think I’m cool. I went on a date with an accountant who was older than anyone I’ve ever dated before and I felt like I had to act proper and be on my best behavior. I thought he would be uninterested if I was how I really am, and our age difference would be obvious. He wears suit jackets, button ups and has perfect posture, which contrasts with my nose ring, other piercings and tattoos. I had never seen someone carry themselves so well or have perfect posture like he did.

On one of our dates I told him about my family and living in NYC. He laughed at my stories of me and my family getting tattoos and piercings, and being in the city. I found out he’s from a very religious family, doesn’t have anything marking his body. And his family doesn’t communicate. We were complete opposites. That day I felt a sense of dread/doom/something knowing that we would not work. I come from a family who does not keep secrets from each other, and we’re very New York. I was not upset when he broke it off with me a few days later. It saved me from having to do it.

I realized that he wouldn’t work for me. There isn’t a point in building a relationship with someone when you feel like you can’t be yourself and aren’t totally comfortable. They’ll start liking that person then you have to keep that act up or they’re confused when you start being yourself. Also, as a friend told me he learned to go into a date thinking if he would like them, if they would be good for him instead of worrying if they like him. While this guy was older and proper he didn’t stir my blood or make me happy. I wasn’t thrilled when I went on dates with him though I did enjoy his company. As a possible friend…? Cept that wasn’t possible. I had gone on dates with him even though I wasn’t thrilled or excited to go. He along with a friend of mine helped me realize that if I’m not excited for a date, I shouldn’t go. That my time is precious and should be spent with people who I care about.

There are times I doubt myself and feel like I’m not good enough. I can know in the back of my mind that I’m great and better than I think I am but seeing and knowing are different. I can take a deep breath and carry myself well, acting as confident as I feel but some days I wonder how I can put on this act.

Dove beauty campaign. I don't own this image

Dove beauty campaign. I don’t own this image

About a year ago Dove hired a forensic artist to sketch seven women. He did a sketch of how they described themselves, and one of how a stranger described them. The women then see the pair of drawings and how others see them. This made me reflect on how I think and am too judgmental of myself. People I love and who care about me are surprised when I voice my insecurities and doubts. I’ve been told that people think I’m sweet, funny, beautiful, intelligent.. and people will see it, want to be my friend or take me on dates. Etc. I’m in the process of shifting my self image and learning how to see what they see. Because I know -like this Dove experiment- that they’re not the same.

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Today’s assignment– We all have anxieties, worries, and fears. What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears.

Lost and found. Writing 101, Day 16

It’s another day at the amusement park. I’ve been assigned to work in the lost and found, my favorite. Never know what I’m going to find here. So many people bustling about in large groups with small children. It’s easy to lose things here. Yessiree, I’ve seen quite a lot of tears over lost teddy bears and gameboys. The smiles on their little faces when they’re reunited warms my heart.

People travel far and wide to visit this amusement and water park. One day I saw a photo album filled with pictures. Diners and state signs, parties, camping trips. I love that kids these days are still using disposable cameras. Keeping the olde form of documentation alive. Luckily enough I could catch them before they left town, I found a phone number written neatly in the front.

I see the darnedest things in the lost and found. Lunchboxes, soccer balls, one shoe of a pair. I don’t know how they got home with that last one. There are so many towels and sunscreens, they seem to fade together. Occasionally some gems pop out. One time a wedding ring was found that was left by the sink. The poor dear called and called leaving frantic messages until it was found. Newley weds… They’ve got such a shine to them. I remember those days, before I had to divorce that bastard.

The amount of phones that we find is unbelievable. Those kids insist on wearing their jeans below their rump and those hot pants, not realizing that things fall out on the roller coaster rides. Change scatters the ground. On a good day my colleagues and I get to dole out the bounty.

Along with being miscellaneous items left behind these represent memories and landmarks in peoples lives. The lost and found is a place where people come and go. Treasures speak for themselves but I’ve had some people tell stories through tears of joy as they retrieve their lost wedding bands, cell phones, photo albums. Their comings and goings mark passages on these very walls. It’s always a pleasure working in the lost and found.

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Today’s assignment– Imagine you had a job in which you had to sift through forgotten or lost belongings. Describe a day in which you come upon something peculiar, or tell a story about something interesting you find in a pile.

On day 4, you wrote about losing something. On day 13, you then wrote about finding something. So, today’s twist: If you’d like to continue our serial challenge, also reflect on the theme of “lost and found” more generally in this post.

Crushes and role models. Writing 101, Day 15

Tegan and Sara. I don't own this image

Tegan and Sara. I don’t own this image

The events that come to mind for me are all music and concert related. I’m seeing Tegan and Sara this week and would be upset if it got canceled. Heartbroken if they stopped going on tours. When I first got into them I loved them because they’re gorgeous twin sisters who are lesbians. The perfect poster people for the queer community. More than that, I identify with their music and find them fascinating. I can relate to almost all of their songs and feel an ache when they sing about heartache. Pretty sure I can find a song to connect to most moments in past relationships.

“In my teen years I dated boys but I didn’t hate it. I wasn’t like, “Oh, gross.” And then I kissed a girl and was like, “One’s not right and one is definitely awesome.'” Tegan, in an interview for Dallas Voice.

My mom met them at the Pride Parade NYC the one year I didn’t go. I remember having a gut feeling that I was missing out then she sent me a picture with Sara and I could not believe it.. I saw them at Boston Calling about a month ago. Sara checked in with Tegan during their set to see how she was doing. She said how it’s weird for them the play in the day, since it’s something they usually do at night. Like when people do other things meant to happen at night.. At that point Tegan pointed out there were kids there. They’re absolutely adorable and I found it touching that they were checking on each other.

I find how they work to be really interesting. One of them will write a song and be the main vocals for that, and it switches off depending who wrote the song. I had an ex who used to quiz me on who was singing. Recently they came out with an album called Heartthrob where they changed the sound if their lyrics. What made an impression on me was how the lyrics dug into my heart even more than their other albums. About being brave and a hero, along with lyrics “I was a fool for you” and “how come you don’t want me now.” I feel a similar pain to theirs, and listened to that album on repeat because it was what I was feeling getting over a relationship.

At their concert me and a few people wove through the crowd until we were at what felt like the middle. All of us were singing and dancing, the sun was shining, and it was beautiful. Along with Tegan and Sara at Boston Calling I saw Jack Johnson perform. I’ve absolutely loved him since I was in middle school. His cds have been on many road trips with my mom and I. In the song “do you remember” he says “over ten years have gone by and you’re still mine”. When he performed he changed it to over twenty years, and talked about his family which brought tears to my eyes. It was so sweet hearing that those love songs he wrote are about the person he is still with.

It would crush people if Boston Calling or a Tegan and Sara concert were canceled. There are so many role models and singers that people have grown up listening to and traveled all over the world to see.

And now I’m all caught up. Just in time for the last week.
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Today’s assignment– You’re told that an event that’s dear to your heart — an annual fair, festival, or conference — will be cancelled forever (or taken over by an evil organization). Write about it.

Invincible. Writing 101, Day 14

Adámas. In Ancient Greek meaning unconquerable, invincible. Also is he hardest steels, unyielding, inflexible, lasting. According to wiktionary.

I hadn’t known that was a real word until I looked it up. It was from a book called City of Heavenly Fire by one of my favorite authors, Cassandra Clare. I love fantasy, and this serious The Mortal Instruments is a whole fantasy world. In it there are shadow hunters who fight demons, runes that are like magic, and portholes which can bring you through space. I’ve been reading this series since I was in high school and am always super happy when a book comes out.

It makes total sense that the word adámas is Greek. There are a few characters in the series well versed in languages and old plays. Filled with quoted to make them sound wiser than their age. In this scene the bad guy is holding a sword in one hand and a goblet stamped with adámas which made me think it was stamped with shapes, like stars. The sword has an inscription with his last name which means morning star.

Reading these books makes me think of escapism. I love reading since it distracts me from my life and pulls me into a totally different world. Cassandra Clare’s worlds are filled with beautiful imagery, of pixies, warlocks, beautiful drinks and worlds. It makes me want to be a part of them. When I read I feel like the character, and if they’re acting bad I feel like a bad guy. I can get upset when I read a book, probably because I’m too invested in the characters or get too hooked.

When I was younger I imagined a world on a level above ours that was a village I’m the trees. All of the people I loved were there, and nothing bad could happen to us. We could always add people that we care about to it. When I read her books I think of the warlocks and vampires who live forever. Sometimes I imagine being a vampire and turning everyone I love, though I know some of them wouldn’t be happy with that. It pains me to read about the warlock in love with a human in this series, and how he has outlived so many lovers. I would love if all the people I care about are safe and invincible, but I know that that isn’t possible.

Which reminds me of a poem I once wrote:

I wish I was mute,
I wish I was blind
I wish I knew your heart was forever mine
But I know I’m not mute,
Know I’m not blind
And there’s just no such thing as forever mine.

Even at a young age I was wise.
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Today’s assignment– Pick up the nearest book and flip to page 29. What’s the first word that jumps off the page? Use this word as your springboard for inspiration.

Reminiscing on love. Writing 101, Day 13

When I was packing my apartment I found a little wire person with a love note from an ex. It mentioned having a great power out, and our names on it. I had long forgotten that he had made it for me, or where I had out it. We didn’t exchange a lot of stuff, though it was one of the longest relationships I’ve had. This metal person and note took me back to a time where we were at his mom’s house when there was a power out. We were all watching tv, listening to the wind blow when the screen suddenly turned off. During the power out we had gotten junk food at a gas station and laid by the fire reading. We spent about a week win the power out and I remember emailing teachers that I was stuck and couldn’t make it to school because it was dangerous.

Of course I had just gotten a tattoo before the power went out. I remember washing it with water from a bucket and a flashlight. Hoping that my tat wouldn’t get infected. Luckily it’s healed and looks great.

Being from the city I don’t get a lot of power outs. I had a great time laying by a fire, reading and relaxing with people I love. Having each other as body heat. Finding this wire person with the note reminded me of time where my ex and I were happy. It took me back past our fights and bad times to moments we’d share with pure happiness and love for each other. Similar to finding this I have crystals from him that I keep displayed. It was really moving to find things from him and remember the sweet guy that I had loved so much my heart ached.

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Today’s assignment-On day day 4, you wrote a post about losing something. Today, write about finding something.

Seen in the stars. Writing 101, Day 12

“I saw a documentary once where two deers locked antlers and died like that.”

There are a lot of Tauruses in my life. My brother and mom are, and whenever they argue I think of the two deers. Both headstrong bulls bent on getting their way. I’m a Pisces so I try and stay out of it, imagining antlers through a fish. I’m really interested in astrology and horoscopes. I find that they’re often right when describing a person. I once heard that people decide what sign they are going to be before they’re born and which ones they’re going to be surrounded by. We choose the kinds of people we keep in our lives.

I found a chart in Cosmo once with astrology matches, saying what signs a person should be paired with. I was amused to see that one of my exes and I were not on the list for best matches, while another one was. Which males me think: is it good to date someone similar to you, or to go with opposites attract? If they’re too similar will a person get bored, or will the relationship grow because of mutual understanding?

I have great relationships with like minded people who aren’t the same as me. Different signs, and experiences but some of my friends understand and relate to me so well that it’s occasionally surprising. I also have a new friend who is the same sign as me, which has never happened before. There are times where we talk and are so similar that I feel a kind of bond in our school of fish. Different ages and events but we get each other on a level that I haven’t felt with other signs.

I envy couples that can predict each other’s movements, and have a mutual understanding that people outside of the relationship can’t get. Communicating through a look, or gesture. Being together so long they know how the other is feeling. When I’m single I dislike the happy mushy couples and when I’m with someone I think how it’s our turn to be that.

Were all stubborn in our own ways. While I find astrology and horoscopes interesting and often true the thing that matters is of a person understands you and you love each other. To treat one another with kindness and respect.

Today’s assignment– Write a post inspired by a real-world conversation.