a confession

I said it. I love you.
An exhale of breath
I’ve been holding after a long inhale.
I can feel my ribs settling in place again,
now that you know.

I love you. I love you so much.

We stood in the dark,
A light shining overhead
Illuminating you.
I had cut you off
You were speaking passionately
about something
And I couldn’t hold it any longer
That release after a long breath

I had taken you by surprise,
You didn’t know I felt that way
It felt natural,
It felt right,
Like I had said it before
Which I had,
Years ago

When we were lovers
And together.
The years have gone by
And we’ve changed,
Matured.
We used to fight all the time
And I’d be ready for it.

The dust has settled now
I feel a sense of calm when
I talk to you.
It’s only right that I’ve held on,
I’ve kept wanting you.

My eyelids flutter open,
I’m puzzled by the clarity
Of my dream
So sure of my thoughts
And desires,
The love for someone
I talk to every day
Since when I’m awake
I don’t know if I want you
Because you’re there
and I need someone to love
Or if I’ve never stopped loving you.

© Copyright-All rights reserved-Hannah Farmery

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Can’t go there

I try to keep my distance
(to keep you at arm’s length)
but the line is blurry
because we flirt and back off
and I can’t go there again.

You still bite your lip the way
I do
I itch to feel mine on yours
But I can’t go there.
Your hands are the same to hold
I hold mine together (to not touch)

I don’t know how to react.
because you blindside me with your emotions
and seduce me with your words
roping me into your spiderweb
to play with me like a yo-yo
pulling me in and pushing me back again.

We broke up for a reason.
What’s the reason we keep
coming back?
My heart is beating
and I can’t breathe normally.
Or spell.

But you know me
And understand me
More than anyone has
You aren’t what I want
But I miss what we had
And you still want me.

I cant.
Wont.
Go there.
But you know me.
But I don’t know you.
Because you’re different
But the same.
But. I can’t. go. there.

© Copyright-All rights reserved-Hannah Farmery

Reminiscing on love. Writing 101, Day 13

When I was packing my apartment I found a little wire person with a love note from an ex. It mentioned having a great power out, and our names on it. I had long forgotten that he had made it for me, or where I had out it. We didn’t exchange a lot of stuff, though it was one of the longest relationships I’ve had. This metal person and note took me back to a time where we were at his mom’s house when there was a power out. We were all watching tv, listening to the wind blow when the screen suddenly turned off. During the power out we had gotten junk food at a gas station and laid by the fire reading. We spent about a week win the power out and I remember emailing teachers that I was stuck and couldn’t make it to school because it was dangerous.

Of course I had just gotten a tattoo before the power went out. I remember washing it with water from a bucket and a flashlight. Hoping that my tat wouldn’t get infected. Luckily it’s healed and looks great.

Being from the city I don’t get a lot of power outs. I had a great time laying by a fire, reading and relaxing with people I love. Having each other as body heat. Finding this wire person with the note reminded me of time where my ex and I were happy. It took me back past our fights and bad times to moments we’d share with pure happiness and love for each other. Similar to finding this I have crystals from him that I keep displayed. It was really moving to find things from him and remember the sweet guy that I had loved so much my heart ached.

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Today’s assignment-On day day 4, you wrote a post about losing something. Today, write about finding something.

Gaping holes. Loss, Writing 101 day 4

Loss. I feel it in my life, thoughts tumbled together. Of innocence,friendships, relationships, family. To fights, break-ups, illnesses, death, misunderstandings, change.

It’s weird, being reduced to the sidelines. No longer your girlfriend or family, watching your life through photographs. Reminding myself that I’m a friend, and should give you space to enjoy your life. Space. I’ve used that word before, and remember not being left alone. Now I’m trying to be respectful and to know when to step aside. To patiently wait because I’m your friend and someone who cares about you.

How long must someone wait, giving another space? I was asked for it months ago and am still waiting… You act like you’re the one that was hurt while I was the one to go home looking forward to seeing you, to be greeted by open closet doors and a gaping hole where your clothes had been. A light left on and a note, with the words “it’s for the best”.  All these months later I’ve stopped hoping for answers, and found them within. I have learned to overcome the soundtrack that went through my mind of “I miss you, I miss you”, and that you did me a favor. I’m stronger, and a lot more independent now.

So many questions,  all starting with why. Why do I do the things that I do? Putting myself out there, going on dates with people I don’t care about. Flipping through profiles of people, and getting in conversations that I don’t enjoy.  Using my body and looks to be seductive. Lowering my standards and going against things I said I’d never do. Putting myself in danger when I know I shouldn’t. Kissing people I don’t like, yet not stopping.

Bringing virgins back to my quiet nest. Taking showers with people I don’t like, while it is something sacred to me, meant to be shared with someone I love. Happily attaching myself to someone, throwing myself into a fling with them when I want a warm body. Thinking of your lips, and your arms while in the arms of another.

Wanting old lovers, and getting excited when someone shows interest in me. Wanting someone who isn’t mine, either friend or lover. The person who I keep constant contact with belongs to another. Yet they understand me more than any other relationship, and surprise me by knowing when something is wrong, even from a distance. They say the right things and remind me that I deserve the best.

Wondering what it would be like if we got together. Like lightning, electricity, a tornado. Chemistry and pent up energy, a long time coming. It’s hard not to want the person who shows the most kindness and understanding when I feel alone.

I miss being able to talk to you. Hanging out with your mom, being at your house. The music we danced to, and the stars we stood under. The moments we shared. I want to talk to you, while I know you don’t want me to. Wishing I could be there for birthdays, graduations, surgeries. That I could be with your family. Could be in your life, your friend. Could be yours.

The thing is I don’t know. What is best for me, what I want. If that person is always there or has yet to come along. If it would work to get together again. What is going on. I can remind myself how much you hurt me, how badly you treated me. Our fights, my tears, your anger. I can also tell myself that you changed.

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Today’s assignment– Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more.

Soundtracks of my life. Writing 101, day 3

Music is so interlaced in my life. One of the main things I make sure I have when I leave the house is my ipod. I will turn around and go home or get mild anxiety if I don’t have it in my bag. As I started writing this I turned on a quieter Pandora station in order to hear my thoughts. I notice the shift in music genre depending on what I’m doing, and the mood that I’m in. I occasionally like cooking to R&B, and either listen to soft music when I need to concentrate, or louder, more pop music when I need to get excited.

For some reason The Ocean by Tegan and Sara has become my “okay, I really need to sit down and write this paper” song. The first cords are so exciting that it tells me I can do it. I’m one of those weirdos that like writing papers and am pretty good at it when I stop procrastinating. This song is a reminder of that.

What I am to you by Norah Jones has been the theme song to relationships I’ve been in on their way out. When I’m feeling like a person isn’t showing that they care about me, or that they care less those words often play in my mind. It’s about self worth, as well as wondering why a person stops showing their affection. I made an ex of mine listen to that song in the last leg of our relationship, hoping that they would get the notion. It sucks, being in love with someone and feeling like they are pushing you away. Especially when you don’t know what’s wrong, if they think you did something, and are left to wonder why there was no choice but to break up. Norah Jones reminds me so much of my last relationship that I couldn’t listen to her for a while, and it still hurts over eight months later to listen to certain songs. I remember seeing her perform in Brooklyn in the pouring rain, and dancing with my mom. It was so surreal, that I can’t believe it wasn’t a dream.

I hate when a relationship ends and I no longer listen to my favorite songs or bands. When it pains me to listen to familiar voices and lyrics that I have known long before they came along. An ex of mine bad talked artists I loved so harshly that I stopped listening to them until long after the person was out of my life. He had such an aggressive, snobby energy occasionally that I was scared to do things he didn’t like. I let him change me, out of fear, or because he had such a strong influence on me. It wasn’t just with music either. He complained about clothing brands I love, singers, anything. He was so opinionated that I didn’t want to do things he didn’t like. Which is a reminder for relationships to come not to let some person change who I am.

I find the line “I’m not afraid of you, anymore” by Sufjan Stevens in the song Pittsfield to be really empowering. He has such a sweet, angelic voice and strong messages that I could weep when songs by him start. When I hear those lines I think “you’re right, there is no need for me to be afraid. This person does not have power over me.” The opening lines “Tell me what you saw in me/ And I’ll try to replicate it with a scene” have a similar, bittersweet, shattering affect on me. I often confuse that song with Pittsfield, but it is from the song Enchanting Ghost, also by Sufjan. This song live is even more heartfelt. His voice offering to act the way that he caught the eye of a partner is so big to me. I imagine when love is dying him offering to try and act the way he was when love was new. Relationships change, and it is hard to let go when you don’t want to lose someone.

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Today’s assignment- Write about the three most important songs in your life — what do they mean to you?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_assignment/writing-101-day-three/

Cold Sleepless Nights

Why do I wait so long for things to get right?

Our backs to each other,
Those cold, sleepless nights.
I guard my heart so closely it’s a miracle you got in,
To take my head and heart on an emotional spin.
You were there when I needed you,
You helped me grow,
Then morphed into someone I hardly know
What flipped the switch to push me away?
As your passion grew colder with each passing day
Magnets once strong then pushed apart
You’ve left me with longing,
Confusion in my heart.
It’s funny,
With you a future could have been spun,
You’ve proved to me there couldn’t be one.
Limping, then walking,
Then learning to run,
Some say,
My life has just begun.